We’ve spanned the world of hockey to bring you the weirdest, wackiest and wildest true beer league hockey tales.
By Warren Tabachnick
17 true beer league hockey tales that will amaze you. You can’t make this stuff up!
Nutjob That Fired a Shot into the Stands
It’s no secret that a 10:00PM beer league hockey game doesn’t exactly draw huge crowds. On the rare occasion a handful of spectators do show up it can be a real treat. Some fans were heckling a player on the ice one night, and instead of tuning them out he fired a puck into the stands. The punishment? League suspension.
Loser Who Tossed His Jerseys into the Trash
In the locker room one night after an especially abysmal team performance, one frustrated teammate expressed his dissatisfaction in a most unique way. As the team cracked open some beverages and joked among themselves, he quickly dressed and calmly walked over to the trash can and discarded his uniforms—both Home and Away. Quite a feat, considering the near-professional uniforms cost him hundreds of dollars. No surprise he quit the team that night, which was a shame. He was one of the better players.
Toolbox That Flipped the Ref
We’re not talking about flipping off the referee after a bad call. This wingnut actually knocked the ref on his ass. It’s one thing to complain to the ref; it’s another thing to assault one! (He got a lifetime ban from the league.)
The Big Cheese
How about the guy whose hockey bag is zipped shut after the game and remains sealed until the next one? When that teammate parks his butt next to you in the locker room and unzips that bag, the stench is so bad it could peel the paint off the walls.
Wrong Way in the Shootout
Here’s one for the books: One of the better skaters on a team was chosen to skate in a shootout round. But instead of trying to score on the opposing goalie he skated towards his own net. Good thing he didn’t score!
This beer league hockey tale happens way more than we’d like. One guy we know skated an entire season with a sweat- and blood-stained jersey without washing it. What does it take for a hockey player to throw their jersey in the wash after a game?
Throwing the Stick
Most every hockey player knows that if you break your stick, you’re supposed to just drop it immediately. In one game a player snapped his twig after taking a shot and kept skating around with it. Before he would be assessed a penalty, the ref kindly suggested that he do the right thing and leave it there on the ice. So what did this hapless sap do? He threw his stick into the air like a javelin.
Fight On the Bench
We may not be playing in the NHL, but sometimes fights do occur in the beer leagues. Only in this case, two brothers on a team had a disagreement that led to fisticuffs on their own bench. Whatever the reason for the scrap, it worked out well in the end. The opponents were so dumbstruck, the brothers and their team won the game!
Varsity Coach Who Weighed His Players
High school hockey can get pretty competitive, but this one takes the cake (pun intended.) Sure, coaches expect the best from their team but sometimes things can get out of hand. This coach was so critical of one of his players, he brought a scale into the locker room and weighed him in front of the entire team. We think that’s taking things too far.
Hockey Player Gone Wild
During one game a player was assessed a major penalty for what appeared to be a deliberate attempt to injure a player. And if that display of insanity wasn’t enough, he expressed his displeasure at the call by following the ref to the parking lot and assaulting him. No surprise he was handed a permanent ban from the league.
When the last game is over for the evening, the rink attendant normally goes through the building letting any stragglers know that they would soon be locking up. One night after a late game, the guys were enjoying a few cool ones in the locker room when all of a sudden the lights went out. As they fumbled about in the dark and made their way to the exit, they were shocked to find the doors had been locked. It seemed one careless attendant neglected to check the locker rooms before shutting down for the night, keeping an unlucky team trapped inside. Fortunately they were able to find a way out, avoiding a very cold night!
Here’s a beer league hockey tale for the ages: One goalie found himself unable to join their team for the league championships, and fortunately the team was able to secure a replacement. Unfortunately, the goalie that was cleared to sub for the team ended up totaling his car on the way to the championships. The team then scrambled to find another replacement and was able to secure a goalie from another team at the championships, who agreed to do double duty and sub for them. The problem was, despite his good intentions he got drunk the night before and overslept, leaving the team with an empty net.
Skater as Goalie
Every beer league hockey team has experienced having a goalie that for one reason or another failed to make a game. That leaves the team with two choices: either forfeit the game for an L in your Win-Lose column, or look for a volunteer among the skaters. The poor sap that offers to stand in for the goalie must face all manner of shots on net, all while not having the protective gear that’s worn by goaltenders. As we all know, opponents usually see this as an opportunity to grab a win. The shots keep coming in hard and fast, with the intention of scaring the guy in net out of his pants.
Some guys just refuse to part with their cherished gear, whether for sentimental reasons or because they’re just too cheap to spring for something new. But when a hockey player insists on wearing pants that are so badly ripped they show his bare butt, that’s taking things too far. If the equipment is falling apart, it’s time to let it go. [Ed. note: My wife, who was in the stands that night, said she felt the freeze just looking at those cold, red cheeks.]
One local rink had some serious problems with the weather—inside the rink. It seemed that whenever it would rain, the temperature inside caused by the freezing ice resulted in such intense fog, players could barely see who was skating around them!
The Dead Goalie
Here’s one for the books: One night the guys on the team wondered why their goalie was just standing there in the crease, making no attempt to stop any shots. It turned out he had died in the middle of the game apparently from cardiac arrest, but was kept propped up by all that equipment. Every goalie has their share of bad games, but nothing at all like that!
Our Personal Favorite of the Beer League Hockey Tales: License and Registration
This last story is our favorite: One year a beer league team was invited to participate in a tournament. Normally that would be great news, but due to schedule conflicts one of their better players would not be able to play.
The league holding the tournament had some pretty strict rules, one of which required the participants to show their identification when signing in as proof they were actually registered on the team. Here’s where it gets interesting…
Luckily for the team, this happened in the days before driver’s licenses had photo IDs. So one genius figured he’d recruit a ringer to take the place of their missing stud, having them swap their licenses so he could sign in and play. He got to play and helped out the team, and everything turned out great—that is, until after the game.
It turned out that driving back home late at night the ringer was stopped for speeding. When asked to produce his license he had no choice but to show the officer the only license he had: the one belonging to the stud. Because the ringer was using a license that was not legally his own, he was arrested on the spot and brought to the town lockup. But it doesn’t end there.
The ringer confessed to the judge about the scheme, and then had to call the stud in the middle of the night to come to the police station with the ringer’s ID. Needless to say, a lot of feathers were ruffled that night!
As the saying goes, truth is stranger than fiction and these stories prove that. Got any true beer league hockey tales of your own to share? Let us know in the comments below!
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